Breaking up (Gibbs/Dinozzo ficlet)

[lin71]

Title: Breaking up
Pairing: Gibbs/Dinozzo, Tony’s POV
Rating: PG-13 I think
Summary: Tony can’t deal with the arrangement he and Gibbs have going anymore
Warning: ehm... sadness alert?
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. Well, not when it comes to NCIS and its characters anyway.
A/N Just a little story that popped into my mind last night and refused to go away. Unbeta’d so all mistakes are mine.
Also: for some reason I'm not receiving any notifications in my email or LJ inbox at the moment so if I respond a bit late-ish, I'm sorry!


I’d already expected him to show up looking ragged and tired and yet with a hint of something else in his eyes. Something resembling a slow burning fire that could light up any moment. He often has that look after the kind of day we've had today and like most times he probably wants to forget all about it by fucking me into the mattress. Or the shower wall. Or the kitchen counter.

Crap, not a good thing to think of now.

I shake my head to try and get those images out of my mind. Not what I need right now. Not with what I plan to do. And God knows I've thought about it long and hard and I know it's what I have to do. It's the only thing I can do if I don't want to lose my mind and what's left of my sanity.

But now that he's standing there before me, looking at me with lust filled eyes and holding a bag of Chinese take out in one hand and a six-pack of beer in the other, looking so hot in that pair of old jeans and a simple white tshirt, it's hard to hold onto that plan.

I don't think I've ever been more determined about anything in my life though and that includes the decision about breaking off all contact with my father when I was in my teens. The feeling is similar, although this feels even harder somehow. I feel like I'm about to rip my guts out through my throat and as I take a deep breath I need to close my eyes and take a second to hang on to my determination.

I have to. If I don't I'll regret it in an hour and I'l be back to where I have been several times before. Feeling physically satisfied but more alone, more lonely, than I care for.

'No!'

I startle myself and I open my eyes, only believing I actually spoke out loud when I see the shocked look in those stunning blue eyes I would love to lose myself in again.

'No?'

The question is hesitant and sounds genuinely surprised and disappointed. Un-Gibbs like really and it proves to be the thing I need to be able to do this. If he'd ignored what I said and just kissed me instead there's a good chance I'd have given in. Again.

I nod, my entire body feeling numb by now. 'No Gibbs,' I say, a bit less hostile this time. After all it's not just his fault. It's not like he promised me more than he was willing to give. I just thought it would be enough and I know now that it isn't. It's nowhere near enough.

He looks unsure. Gibbs looks unsure. Again something that doesn't suit him and I can't remember ever having seen this look in his eyes before.

'Why?' It was a sigh more than a word.

'Why?' I resist huffing out a laugh, afraid I sound as hysterical as I start to feel by now. 'Why, you ask?' I step forward, right into his personal space. 'Because it's not enough anymore, Boss.'

'I never promised you...' he starts and I cut him off before he can go on.

'I know that!' It's harsher than I'd intended and again I take a deep breath, holding it and slowly letting the air out again before continuing. 'And I thought I could do this. I thought I could deal with getting together every now and then to scratch our itches, but it's not...' I rub my hand over my face and with a feeling that by now borders on desperation I go on, needing to say it. Knowing that if I don’t do it now, I'll never do it. I look into his eyes, needing him to see it's the truth. 'It's not enough because I love you and I want more than just this. I need more than just this and if we go on like this I'll end up hating myself and hating you and I can't do that. I love you too much to let that happen.'

There, I said it. Not in a romantic roses and violins kinda way, but I did anyway.

He sighs. 'Tony...' His hand reaches out for my face, holding still in mid-air before dropping his arm at this side again. 'Don't do this.'

I shake my head. 'I have to Gibbs... Jethro. I have to do this because I love you.' Another sad sounding laugh that might actually be a sob escapes me and I curse myself for acting like some near hysterical teenage girl. I take a deep breath to try and calm down before continuing. 'You never lied to me, I know that. You told me before this started it could never be more. Never be real. And I thought.... God, I don't know what I thought. Maybe I thought I could do it. Maybe I thought that you'd see how good we are together and you'd change your mind...'

I let out another loud sigh. 'I want you,' I whisper, sad look that's creeping in Gibbs' eyes making my heart crack and my determination crumble. 'But I want all of you. Not just a couple of hours of fucking and watching you get dressed and leave like nothing happened. I want to fall asleep together. I wanna wake up together and just do couple things outside the bedroom.'

'I can't.'

The words cut through me like a knife, most of all because I know he's lying.

'Sure you can,' I say, trying to keep my voice steady and my tone casual but failing more than a little. My hands are shaking and I stuff them in my pockets to keep them out of sight. 'But you won't. See, it's easy. You either love me or you don't.'

Even though I know he won't, I want him to say he loves me too. I know he does. I'm sure of it, but for some reason he either can't or won't admit it.

Gibbs nods slowly. 'I get it,' he says, voice gruff as usual. He looks at me again, face completely void of any emotion now. 'So, see you on Monday?'

'Your rules Gibbs, the ones you made the moment we started this. Nothing changes at work. I'll be there.' I manage to let my voice not crack before the last word leaves my mouth.

Without another word he turns around and walks out of my apartment. His feet dragging just a bit and his shoulders slumped. Not enough for anyone to notice but I see it anyway and it makes me even more angry and sad. I know that he loves me. I know he does. But for some reason he's too fucking scared to take the plunge and just say it. Admit that he wants more, just like I do.

I wait for a full minute after the door has closed, needing to be sure he is really gone before I break down. I count to sixty and by the time I reach sixty-one I lift my beer bottle and smash it against the door before falling to my knees, unable to stay upright as my entire body starts shaking. I don't even realize I'm crying until I taste my own tears that have started falling, apparently.

Somehow I manage to drag myself to my bedroom, wanting to just lose myself in a bottle of booze but knowing it's not gonna solve anything and, worse even, probably will make me call Gibbs at some point during this night, begging him to forget what I said and just come over.

God I want him to be here now.

I crawl into bed, pulling the comforter up over my head as I try to block the entire world out. I need to face Gibbs in two days and 9 hours again. No need to face anything before that.